Sunday, March 30, 2008

a lovely feeling

warning... its long.

It’s lovely and very exhilarating to be able to do whatever you want. Especially if that is to scream your throat off on a terrace, high above the rest, with the wind in your hair, dancing the stars away, to your voice and the tunes you love to hear. It’s a wonderful feeling to be helped with perfect timing by nature, the wind blows at a point where there’s maximum happiness in your voice and smile. There can be hundreds of reasons why one could be that happy. One might simply be to do all that I said, completely undisturbed in the darkness of the night where finally for once in the world, no one is watching.

Yeah I did all that, and am that happy.

Over the past week I have come to realize many thing… most of them turned out to be things I heard about love. But this time it was an experience, some of which I experienced directly, some of which I experienced through others.

Quite long and confusing isn’t it, but its wonderful to realize and know what I am talking about.

Firstly they say love is blind, you don’t know when it comes or will go, it’s an experience. Those who are in it know pain, sorrow, relativity in totality and most of all inexplicable happiness.

The thing that we don’t realize is, love can be anything.

It isn’t necessary to have a voice, a heartbeat, or being biped at all. But when it has all that…one word alone explains it, joy.

I love my cat, love it like anything. It had been with me since its day two. I’ve done things for it you would imagine parents to do for their kids. My kitten is like me. Moody, very picky, totally stubborn, utterly playful, a rebel. When it was small and abandoned by mummy dearest, I took it up. That was a beautiful feeling. It was mine to look after. Mine, another living creature… it was, is and always be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I’ve spent whole days just playing with it, staring at its beautiful eyes, patting it to sleep when it crawled up into my arms for warmth and napped away to glory. I spent days trying to figure out the best way to give it some goddamn milk when its mum ditched it, ink filler, spoon, hand, straw… how the hell do I get it to stop scratching my hands off, how do I get it to sleep in a box instead of my face…. OMG I went mad. But in all that I had so much fun. I watched it grow from the size of my palm to what it is now…I’ve played so much, pampered it to laziness, took so many videos and photographs fit enough for exhibitions in Paris. That lucky cat, it left me… and today I am here, heartbroken, kitty less and sad, with slow tears down my eyes. Even as I sit here typing, I have a feeling it’s running around the room playing as usual. I look up to realize it’s my imagination.

Its painful, yes, very painful, but I look back and see how much fun I have had with it. How much joy it gave me in being there to play with and pamper…

I still remember the twinkle in its eyes when it plays, the way its tail twitches as I pet it. Beauty, love.

To others it’s just a cat, they say for how much it has bitten and scratched me, its good that it ran away. No one understands what I went through. But that’s ok. It is my experience after all. Had they known, would it be that light a thing to lose? The love of my kitty.

An inanimate love is also possible as I said. For me, it’s in a camera.

The best thing god created, in my opinion would be to be able to see. I really am sad for the animals and those who are blind for this reason. Color…color is life.

Music is ecstasy. Mind is a beautiful workshop in full function. Put all this together…you have paradise. And it’s a world of your own. No one, no one can see your world like you. That’s yours to keep bud.

I got hold of a few pictures of this kid, Alexandre Evans. He’s from Canada.

He’s 17 and has the most resplendent eyes I have ever seen, to go with the prettiest face I have seen on earth. Whatever his character is, there is a beautiful flawed flawlessness about his face. It was amazing to find how hard he is working at his photography, with the help of his friends… he has delivered a lot, which very duly made him famous online. For god’s sake, he’s gorgeous, loves and does everything I do, and has his own clothing line at 17! One can’t ask for more. My hearty desire is to be able to meet him just once… once and capture the light in his eyes to perfection. The most beautiful picture in the world… just once.

But its not just his eyes that make me happy when I think of my camera. My beautiful model was my pampered runaway kitty too. It brought out some of my best shots. When I walk around, my eyes hunt for a perfect picture I could take with my camera. To glorify an ordinary object, to its unknown forgotten glory. That, that is my love. When I bring out the light in an object flawlessly, that gives me joy. It is my desire to be able to take such glorious pictures of the people I love, many a day must pass before that can be. A camera is what I need. A good one. That will be. My love will live on.

Recently, and by that I mean, in the past two days, I watched three love stories. Yes a hopeless romantic you could call me. I don’t care, I like it. I watched Kate and Leopold and you’ve got mail (yes both Meg Ryan starrers, don’t you just love how cute she is!) and jab we met.

In each of this, I saw characters that brought me joy as I watched. It was very pleasing and a strange happy feeling…that joy I was talking about, to realize, wow love like that could exist.

Kate and Leopold… wow, that was where I saw Leo be himself, and Kate herself.

I fell in love with the idea, that being a real gentleman was possible. And the qualities I saw in him, Chivalry, grace, intelligence, actual sensitivity, forethought not to mention, as he was called in the movie, a Hunk. He was by all means a gentleman, though it could have been just by his time travel to the present from 1876. No that’s not it… he maintained all he had in him, even at the time he was here…that is truly a gentleman. I saw them fall in love. I saw the closeness. I saw the joy in the smile, the sparkle in the eye. A simple reason for all this was merely the other’s presence. Yes its madness you may say, it’s a movie, they are characters…so what? They were written to be imagined, to be real weren’t they? And where do you take inspiration to write? Reality right.

You’ve got mail was simply cute. In both these movies, there was purity about the love that made me smile. A really happy smile.

Jab we met, OMG that is one stupid useless movie you cannot watch by paying money. But my god, look deeper is what I say. The heroine… Geet has such an unbiased, purity about her character. It made and makes me desire that purity, that happiness which that character brought her. To see that Aadithya, her hero, fall in love with her, for only that… that is pure love man.

So what if I haven’t seen or experienced all this first hand…isn’t seeing all this and being able to understand it while watching experiencing it too.

Well these movies have done two things for me. One assure me that my high expectations are not baseless anyway, two… it is possible to have that purity. And that too, because of someone else.

Its even fuzzier, cute and a very happy feeling to have a crush. Dude, its like not love, just lighter. Its fun. You know its not for real, yet trying to catch a glimpse of your crush, trying to do this unnoticed by your friends or your crush all day, having just a word, getting a small smile, making them laugh, small things that make you happy… its also there… and these are better till you know yer gonna fall hard on your face in love with another soul. And ppl I mean soul by all means.

Wow. I could go on.

These things I realized in this week. And it has given me joy.

Music can give you joy. Color can give you joy, a kitten can give you joy, another human can give you joy… and all these can give you love. Its there… you already have it don’t you… you just don’t realize…

Now what does that have to do with singing like a lunatic on the terrace, where I might as well fall to my death from.

Think about all this. Music blaring, your voice to go along with it, dancing with you hands held high, wind in your hair. It gives you hope. It made me happy, it made me smile from my heart. Hope… Hope for tomorrow.

PS: please visit. to see the guy I was talking abt…all credits go to him for my talk and the pics.

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